A bit of an update ...

Twas the day after Christmas and all through the morning,
Not a Vitek was stirring, not even my 6 siblings.
The stockings were now empty and our Christmas wrappings destroyed,
But the day had been joyous and all had thoroughly enjoyed.
There was a peace in the air and warmth through our home,
That of such a high caliber that it made me wishing I still lived at home.
Such a quiet may only follow a hearty Christmas cheer,
Significant enough to usher us into the joy of a happy new year.
Now as I lie here in my covers, all bundled and snug,
I wonder what this next year will bring for myself and those I love.
For as I look back and ponder the events of the last year,
I am amazed that all have survived this full and chaotic year.
I am convinced that it is only by our Lord’s good grace that onward we go,
And yet, without this past year’s experiences, forward we could not grow.
For it is the challenges which we have faced, and that which have brought us here,
And without them, we could not move on to the next new year.
Now lift up your countenance, let it shine in all its brilliance,
And look behind and ahead to see what lies before us.
And with mighty shout and joyous proclamation, I declare:
Merry Christmas to all and Happy New Year!

And in the spirit of the New Year, a bit of an update …

In January 2010, I left for Guatemala. Many of you followed my adventures, downfalls, and triumphs, as I recounted them on my blog. I returned home in July, just in time to celebrate the 4th and then slip into a long, and desperately needed, summer break. During this time I spent my days between Baltimore and DC, went to the beach a few times, took a road trip throughout the New England coast, and did my best to recuperate mentally and physically from Guatemala.

(just in case you would like to see a sampling of my summer)

The best adjective to describe my first week at home is precious. The time with family and friends was deeply needed. There was warmth noted upon my home-coming which before I had never experienced. Guatemala was my first long-term adventure, and it was my first real home-coming. I spent most of July sitting out in the sun, spending time with friends, traveling, and above all, putting every thought of Guatemala out of my mind.

Truly, for a good month, I did not think back to my experience abroad. In a way, I think I was suppressing it all – a form of denial which I associate with grieving. It took me some time to realize it, but as much as I had wanted to return home, I was in effect grieving. That is grieving the loss of Guatemala, the orphanage, my kids, my friends, and most of all the purpose I had while there. It was not until the beginning of August, when I had promised to give a brief talk about Guatemala for my church, that I started to process my time away.

My phase of denial gave way to anger/resentment for a good week, I fixated on the all the wrongs that I felt had been dealt me while away: the emotional difficulties, relational issues, and the mental stress from dealing with tragic stories of the kids. I also slipped in to a bit of despondency during this time. I hesitate to categorize this as depression, for I believe that is a subject not to be taken lightly, but for a brief bit of time, I felt as though I was struggling to reach the top of it all – unable to see which way was out.

A turning point, during that brief week, came after meeting with my pastor in DC. He pointed out that I had experienced emotional trauma, simply due to the nature of fully investing myself in a very needy, worthy, and tragic population. Among other issues at the time, he assured me that the stress I was feeling was warranted – and I needed to take the time to recover. In a way I was confused, because I had just spent the last month doing nothing. But that was it - I had done nothing to process through the months of being gone and the challenges that I had encountered.

The next week was crucial to processing my time away. As I continued to prepare what I was going say to my church group, I read through my Guatemala journal time and again. Eventually I was able to focus on the good throughout my time away, and slowly put the difficult into perspective. While I had been tried, it had brought perseverance with it; while I was challenged, I learned patience; and while at times I felt utterly alone, God never left me.

Reviewing my journal also allowed me to pin-point the times when I experienced the most joy. There were the pure moments of love graciously given by the kids, the late night talks with my roommate, and the beauty of worship within the orphanage. Yet, I also found that vocationally, as a nurse, I derived the most joy through the projects I implemented. Through my relationship with the orphanage and the children, I discovered the foundational needs for their health care and how to effectively aid in fulfilling those needs. I found excitement through the ability to create in my vocation – I was not just taking care of scrapped knees and colds (while albeit very important), I was also attending to the basic issue of how to provide proper and effective health care.

It took a good a month or so, but I finally had my post-adventure epiphany: I realized that I needed to find a way to create within my job in the states – I didn’t want to loose that autonomy and excitement that had been cultivated in Guatemala. So, I decided that I was going to pursue a degree in Public Health. I needed this direction. I had previously been floundering in some pretty heavy self-pity, and it was time to come out of it. So, I looked up the best program in the nation, figured out what requirements were needed, and set out to take the GRE and submit my grad school application.

However, I also needed to find a way to pay my bills. Six months out of the country had a negative effect on my bank account, as did living in the states without an income. This meant I needed to figure out where to live. Upon first coming home I had some ambivalence between settling in Baltimore or DC. By the middle of August it had become clear that DC was beckoning again. I was so excited to finally be at rest and know where I was to physically rest for the next year. Once a location was figured out, I applied to a myriad of places and finally settled on starting in a Labor and Delivery floor in the heart of the city. That also was it’s own saga of choosing between Adult ER, returning to my old job, or working in a community clinic. However, I choose the place where I needed to be and am learning how to effectively care for delivering mothers. Along the way I interviewed with a wonderful health care system in the city which seeks to provide for the underserved population. While the timing wasn’t right, it gave me hope for an eventual career that can marry my health care passion with both my heart and occupation.

I started my new job October 18th. The week before I headed to PA for a friend’s wedding, crammed in taking the GRE, ran in the Bmore marathon (just the relay – not the whole thing!), celebrated my 25th birthday, and moved most of my clothes (oh so many) to my aunt and uncle’s house in VA. Before this I was in and out of DC, attempting to re-establish myself in my previous community. I became a leader for my church’s community group and tried to spend as much time being present and in the city as possible. I felt truly called to come back to DC. Between knowing the great need of so many in the city and also feeling the bond to my community there, I knew it was the place to be.

This being said I have since being living in VA and commuting in every day – although, I like to say that while I sleep in VA, I live in DC. Thankfully though (praise the Lord!), I have just found out that I’ll be moving into a wonderful house in Mount Pleasant within the next week. My roommates are great friends from church, the house is a 1900’s Victorian mansion, and it is such an answer to months of prayer.

So that brings you all up to date. Almost :) God has been so gracious in showing me what plans He has for my future. While I do not know all the details, there is an accompanying grace in all that has transpired and been accomplished in the last 6 months since returning home. I have peace over the decision to move back to DC – as well a wonderful church and friend community which has supported that choice. I have a job, in which I am learning skills which will be invaluable if I choose to pursue family/community centered care. During the past few months I have been blessed to stay with family who love and support me, even if I’m often grumpy due to lack of sleep and horrible traffic. And yet, even now, with in the last week, I can claim a house to my name and room for my bed! As for looking ahead, I can say with confidence that the lessons and skills I learned while in Guatemala have pushed me to the next juncture vocationally. At the begging of month I was accepted into the master’s of Public Health program at John’s Hopkins – #1 program in the nation (maybe internationally as well?). I say this not to boast in my own strength or ability, clearly, none of this has to do with me. I am so blessed to say that I have simply been a steward of amazingly good gifts that my heavenly Father has chosen to bestow.

Even so, I am not perfect, and there are days where I feel as though I have lost some sense of purpose. I go through periods of intense longing for the children and staff at the orphanage, and have barely begun to question how I can continue in the relationships I fought so hard to establish. I want to return at some point – but knowing how difficult the process of leaving felt, I am still unsure as to how this will happen. However, for now, I take solace in the fact that God has blessed my steps thus far. As I look back on the past year, I would like to say I have matured. I have fully experienced another culture, the process of re-entry into my own, and the task of settling into life again. Yet, while I feel this maturity in my body, mind, and spirit – the forward progress I have made seems miniscule compared to that which is left to achieve. Yet onward I, and us all, must go. Forward to yet another year. One in which I pray that we may all take the words of Psalm 23 to heart, and believe in the truth it promises for us all:
“ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

Peace to you all, and a Happy New Year!