A bit of perspective ...

As I have mentioned in recent postings, my emotions here seem to be subject to a every whim of the wind and fault of feeling. At times I am at rest and feel unbounded peace. Yet at others I am constantly on guard for an oncoming attack or disapproving sentence. This has caused me to primarily be self-focused. Daily peering inward at both the turbulence and elevation of my thoughts. But “suffering,” while at times very real, is always a relative case. As I have become more of a fixed figure here at the orphanage, I have found out more about the hearts and lives of these children. And while there is so much blessing to be seen in their lives now, their histories are a profound reminder of how “suffering” must always have context, and, through it all, hope and joy.

My nursing duties come and go, however, within one week (two weeks ago) I had made 4 doctor’s visits and then spent hours running around to different houses playing home care nurse. I loved it! I felt as though my talents were being put to use and I was able to find a bit of the confidence which I have felt lacking in my daily routine at the toddler house. On one of these Dr.’s visits, the three children and I had to wait for about an hour and a half for our ride back (often trips to the city are combined with other appointments /pickups /errands). The doctor’s office we had visited had both a GYN and a Pediatric office. While I had sat with the other 2 in the pedi office, the one older girl (we’ll call her Joy for now), just barely an adolescent, had been seen by the GYN. Generally, this is a little young to start with all those girl things; so I had wondered, but had not asked any questions. During the course of our wait, Joy started trying to sing songs in English and I then tried to pick out the jumbled lyrics – when we had gone through most of the high school musical soundtrack this started to get a bit old. However, eventually, Joy just started to talk. You know, in the kind of rambling way which most adolescents start talking with seemingly no direction in mind and yet somehow end up finishing 30 minutes later.

Joy told me her story. Unfortunately, like many of the other children here at the orphanage, when it comes to the reasons they are brought to Casa Bernabe (physical/sexual abuse, maltreatment …), her story is grave at best. Barely even a teenager, this child endured horrors that I cannot comprehend and has actually walked through real despair. To protect her and the orphanage, the details of her story cannot be shared … and well, also, because it is her story. She alone owns it. And as apart of her healing process she chose to divulge with me some of the details. However I will share the conclusion of our talk.

Internally and physically Joy bears the scars of her story. And yet, that is not the end of it. For what she described to me, was nothing but hope and joy for what has changed in her life and for what continues to improve. Joy told me her story without crying, without cursing, and without even complaining. Somehow everything she said came from a heart filled with praise and joy for the place where God has brought her now: both physically and spiritually, in Casa Bernabe and in Christ.

Como? How? How can this child share her joy through all of this, when I, recently, often, have a hard time finding mine?

I was catching up with the latest sermon from my pastor in DC ( if you are inclined listen to it, and well even if you aren’t inclined, still listen to it: "The Singing Savior"and Advent's website adventdc.org ), and Tommy happened to be preaching about suffering last Sunday. Contrasting the suffering that is often described in the Psalms, and particularly in Psalm 22, with the death of Christ; the sermon reminded me of Joy’s story which I had kind of just logged in my head as one of those wow moments to be pondered for later. There are many types of suffering through which you can just grit and bear it. Poop covered toddlers, fine. Difficult relational communications, sucks, but whatever. However, at times there is intense suffering that cannot be overlooked. Yet, throughout the scriptures, the suffering is NOT overlooked, instead, it is praised, because we are suffering for a purpose. There is a reason for all the stories these children have. There is a reason and a plan for why God has brought them here. And there is always a reason, a plan, and an unending love, in my life. As such, I do not need to ask, why? For I know that the reason lies in the hearts and stories of these children, but most importantly it lies in God’s reason and plan for my life.

Not every story is quite so grave as Joy’s, however even at times the little things can jar my heart. For example when my little toddlers were sitting outside eating lunch today. The back porch looks out over a valley and in the distance lies a very wealthy community (apparently it’s where the chief of police lives – which in Guatemala means money). In between a mouthfuls of rice, Jose rambled something about his Papa living out there, across the valley. The others started chiming in saying that they also had parents who lived in the big houses. They of course said this, in all the innocence a child can muster, not realizing the weight of their statements. The truth is, even as much as we can try to provide a home for them here at the orphanage; they lack a true family and at their core they crave it.

I’m sharing these events not to cause pity for these children, but more so to remind me of the reality of their lives. While we all suffer hardships which can be very real, at times we need to be reminded that we are not alone. There are others, little ones likewise, who understand hurt and pain. This reminds me to place my thoughts into perspective. But also, I am encouraged that through it all there is a hope and a joy that has and will conquer suffering for myself, and these precious ninos as well.

And for now I’m off for the weekend. Leaving here about 5:15 (uggh it’s 12 am now …) to catch the shuttle to Lake Atitlan. I can’t wait! The past day has shown almost a 100% improvement in communication with my house family ( we kind of had a heart to heart last night about how difficult life is for all of us - and that we all need to try and live/love together), giving me a clear conscious to leave and enjoy the weekend. And enjoy I shall. Love and miss you all … hopefully pictures to come after the weekend. Adios!