Mi corazon ...

At times the outcry of our soul cannot find words to express what is within. Instead, the turmoil, questioning, fear, and doubt, take on a different route of expression: prayer. Such communication flows directly from the soul. While it might not always be felt, at the base of this expression is hope, one that can only be encouraged through the constant communication with the One whom is always listening. All have felt it – the irrevocable pull within the heart calling out, yearning to be heard.

Once the instinctive shouting within has abated, and the basic turmoil released, then come the words, often in the form of questions. What is Your plan for me? Where would You have me stay, to go? Who do You have for me in the future?

If I have learned anything in the past weeks, months, and current time of my life, it is that these answers do not come easily. Life is learned through just that, life. But so many of the moments throughout this life feel as though they will define the future – creating all that much more pressure for the decisions that must be made.

So what are the decisions before me? All at once they seem limitless and binding as well. At times I almost feel resentful towards the possibilities at my disposable. Unfortunately such an attitude comes from my constant inability to not plan ahead. I always want to have a picture of the future – meaning that I rarely allow life to take it’s course and often rule out options in my mind simply because I have “planned” to walk in a certain path.

But such an attitude leaves out the greatest factor of all: God. His plan is ultimate, and, while our free will mixes in there somehow, we are always constantly walking in it – try as we might to run away, we are all dead center in the plan for our lives.

Why the deep thoughts? Well, a couple of things …


First off …

Bethy, the house mom for my house, is leaving – this morning to be exact. She has served here faithfully for 15 some years and at this time is returning to live with her husband and family in another part of Guatemala. This means that Andrea, Anna Louisa, and I, will take on the role of the “cargada (care taker).” There is a distinct possibility that another American, Mackenzie, who served here the 3 months before I came, will also be returning to help out in the next month or so. There are positives and negatives to such a transition. For the kids, Bethy is there mom – they call her mama. Her word is final and for the past 2 years in the house she has been the one behind the rules, schedule, and governing of the house. Now, that responsibility will be split and most likely take on a very different expression. There is a lot of change to come (I hope) and it will take a ton of prayer and communication for us to get through it. I’ve known for 2 weeks now that this would happen. The anxiety was slightly overwhelming at first, but well, what’s the point in that? At this point, I am calm, and looking forward to the meeting this afternoon with my housemates, the sub-director and his wife, and the director. Thankfully, I have peace over this matter – but, ohh how I’m going to need prayer for the weeks and months to come!

Secondly …

The enormity of my job here is starting to hit me. There is a mountain of nursing responsibilities that are inevitably are apart of a campus of almost 200 people – and about 90% of them being children. My time here started slowly, organizing meds and the clinic (which seems to have somehow given in to the law of entropy at the moment). Then progressed to the inevitable cough and cold symptoms, minor things. A bit more to handle when kids started to go to the hospital and then require subsequent follow up with me or their doctors; but all still good. However I’ve since realized that the current issues only scratch the surface of what is needed here. Most children have parents who carry around the little booklet of vaccines, remember when their child broke their arm – but, not these kids (some don’t even have birth dates, not even the roundabout month). As I’ve been attempting to finish the health history project, it has become increasingly obvious that their health information is largely unknown. Our social workers here are amazing, and know a lot about the kids, but even what they have on file only goes so far. As such, the holes in their files need to be filled – they need someone to manage their health care. This necessity becomes even more complicated when there are children who have suffered physical and sexual abuse. While all of them are examined by a forensic doctor upon coming to Casa Bernabe, there is not always constant follow up after, unless physical problems persist. Right now, there is a specific family of children here weighing heavily on my heart because unfortunately, they are still going through the health effects of what their father did to them in the years before coming here. Some of these kids have physically suffered tragedies, their bodies are war zones from whatever type of abuse. Such knowledge and images of these things have plagued me greatly as of late, pulling on my both my heart and soul.

Third and last …

I am considering what it would be like to stay here at Casa Bernabe for a longer period of time. What that time frame is, I have no idea at this point. For now it is only a nebulous concept that could range from months to years. However, I have been asked to consider staying here long term and, well, I am. There are so many things that I am craving at the moment … a long run through Towson or DC, a crazy chaotic night at my parent’s house for dinner, a trip to starbucks just because, freedom and my own time, a night out with my peeps, the truth and solidarity of my church … so many things, all good in their own right. However, there is truth in the work to be done here, and that is something that I cannot ignore. Now, I just need to figure out if the need solely justifies me staying, or if I am feeling the call to stay. For, or course, there is need everywhere – and I could fulfill such in the states as well.

And that’s my update. As I attempt to proof read this while monitoring the boys during their “nap time,” I feel that the over all tone of this is a little dreary. But in la verdad (truth), my heart is bathed in the joy and love of Christ and Casa Bernabe. It is for these reasons that I want to seriously consider the responsibilities and options before me. Thanks for listening and praying, I need it!

Love you all <3